Today is my birthday; another year ticked past in the blink of an eye. I’m happier and healthier than last year. I’m clearer on what I want. Still single, but I’d rather be single and happy than with the wrong person and constrained.
I spent the weekend with some of my most favourite people and was really spoilt. I’m so lucky! One of my fabulous friends (the previously mentioned social media guru) bought me my own web domain. I am now a dot com. Get me. The observant among you may have spotted that already.
So much is lined up for the next nine months that I can’t wait to get on with it. A couple of jewellery making workshops; a handful of comedy gigs; a music festival in Paris; camping in Devon; two weeks in the Outer Hebrides/Western Isles; a music festival in Dorset and then a week in Nashville. All with different groups of amazing people. I’m not sure how i shall find the time to go to work. Sadly I have to though to fund my extravagant year.
Maybe, in the course of doing all that, I’ll stumble over Mr Right – or at least Mr Right for Now. Keep your fingers crossed for me blogverse. Have a great day – and eat a cake to celebrate my special day with me, if you feel so inclined.
A couple of the six to eight people who read my blog have asked me about the titles I give my posts as they sometimes don’t appear to relate to the subject.
When I first started this they were pretty pun heavy. I love language and word play and so puns amuse me. They’ve then moved really into quotations from books, films and plays or song titles and lyrics.
Although these on occasion will be related, it’s more often that the song or film etc is in my head when I’m writing. My last title was “This is ourselves” which is from the Queen and David Bowie song Under Pressure. It had been playing in the car that afternoon and was firmly in my ear. It’s a powerful lyric. Hope that answers the question 😊
Turned away from it all like a blind man
Sat on a fence but it don’t work
Keep coming up with love but it’s so slashed and torn
Why, why, why?
Insanity laughs under pressure we’re cracking
Can’t we give ourselves one more chance?
Why can’t we give love that one more chance?
Cause love’s such an old-fashioned word
And love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night
And love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves
This is our last dance
This is ourselves
So this week has been “interesting” as they say, with some highs and real lows both personally and professionally. However it’s now Saturday and I’ve been looking forward to tonight for weeks. Off to the Woo to spend time celebrating me with some of my closest friends. I can’t wait to be with people who genuinely care about me.
True, lasting friendship is one of life’s real joys. As soon as you work out those who are just around out of habit, only there for their own benefit, or while times are good, you can really start to identify the folk who are always there when you need them; tenacious supporters (& piss-takers at times) who always have your back and are in your corner. Clearly they must do yoga in their spare time to be that limber…
Anyway I’m seeing a lot of them tonight and so, for today at least, all is good. Love you guys.
To give the boy his due, we did actually meet up and have a conversation about his “Dear John” text. His suggestion. I wasn’t entirely sure how things would go, but we met up in town and had a few drinks. The conversation wasn’t too awkward, and it turns out it was him and not me. Ha! I’ve referred to him as a fuckwit and as going through some kind of midlife crisis and I’m not taking that back, but we left our evening amicably and as friends still, I think.
On the way home I booked tickets for a music festival in Paris as commiseration, and am also in the process of booking two weeks away in the Outer Hebrides, so there is good stuff happening. Also had a few sneaky doughnuts (oops) but as I’ve just bought the Tom Kerridge healthy eating cookbooks, those are off the menu again now. I refuse to wallow!
So back being single again. Oh well. Onwards and upwards – and I’m looking around all the corners.
They say you should never meet your heroes. That should probably also extend to cover dating your crushes. I’ve recently had a few dates with someone I first met two decades ago and who has carried a little torch for me ever since.
I am sure that with every interaction the image he’s built up of me over the last twenty years is slowly but surely being eroded, and the pedestal I was unwittingly on is being chipped away. That’s not necessarily a bad thing; from my perspective anyway.
I’m a fiercely independent, healthily quizzical (some might say cynical…) realist with an established sense of self. I am also not the same person I was in my late 20s when we originally met and I suspect this may be something of a revelation. Who could live up to the pressure of an idealised version of themselves though? Indeed, to quote F Scott Fitzgerald, There must have been moments even that afternoon when Daisy tumbled short of his dreams — not through her own fault, but because of the colossal vitality of his illusion.
But perhaps I’m being unfair. I’m not used to being the object of someone’s affection in this way; never before been someone’s muse and I think this makes me extra sensitive to reactions and responses; not the best combination with my already over-analytical brain. I know that usually I am a bit of an acquired taste, and am well aware of my own feet of clay, so I struggle with someone just liking me regardless.
Within my friendship group there are some very healthy relationships with couples finding the path to bring out the best in each other – the whole definitely being more than the sum of the parts. That’s the synergy I hope to find for myself in my next serious relationship. Perhaps I am also guilty of pedestalling (I’d hesitate to label it as self-sabotaging) and comparing each of my relationships to an ideal that no-one will be able to match.
I’m not one for making New Year resolutions, but I probably need to be a bit more open minded this year in my romantic escapades to prevent repeating previous mistakes or unfair judgments. While thinking about this piece I have had the last paragraph of The Great Gatsby buzzing around my head so will finish with that. With Jay Gatsby’s long-nurtured, obsessive love for Daisy Buchanan being pivotal to the plot, it’s not entirely unrelated.
Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgiastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter – tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms further… And one fine morning —–
And so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
F Scott Fitzgerald – The Great Gatsby
So we’re at the first day of the year again already. 2017 was a challenging year, but not without its rewards. I spent far more time in ICU wards than I would have liked and, although one of the OAPs pulled through and is restored to good health, we lost another earlier this month.
Through that turmoil, some big work changes and the start of a fledgling relationship, I’ve been surprised by the reactions of some. You think when you hit this age that friendships are set but this year proved otherwise. I’ve been humbled by the support and love given by many, and saddened by those who stepped back or away completely for whatever reason. Others have reconnected and new friendships have also been forged. On balance my circle is healthier for it.
All the best for 2018. Grasp it, enjoy it, live it. It’ll be awesome, it’ll hurt, you’ll laugh and you’ll cry. Submerse yourself in it and do the best you can. Life is short; don’t waste it, make it count.
As my favourite group of Swedes would say (and did say, way back in 1979) Happy New Year.
No more champagne
And the fireworks are through
Here we are, me and you
Feeling lost and feeling blue
It’s the end of the party
And the morning seems so grey
So unlike yesterday
Now’s the time for us to say…
Happy New Year, Happy New Year
May we all have a vision now and then
Of a world where every neighbour is a friend
Happy New Year, Happy New Year
May we all have our hopes, our will to try
If we don’t we might as well lay down and die
You and I
Sometimes I see
How the brave new world arrives
And I see how it thrives
In the ashes of our lives
Oh yes, man is a fool
And he thinks he’ll be okay
Dragging on, feet of clay
Never knowing he’s astray
Keeps on going anyway…
Seems to me now
That the dreams we had before
Are all dead, nothing more
Than confetti on the floor
It’s the end of a decade
In another ten years time
Who can say what we’ll find
What lies waiting down the line
At the end of eighty-nine…